Anxiety Ate My Love of Acting

How I lost an important part of myself to mental illness.

Photo by Zoe Deal on Unsplash

One of the first mile-posts in any theatrical production is the Off-Book day. (At least for the amateurs; I have no idea how a professional rehearsal schedule works.)

Basically, this is the day that the director decrees that the actors need to have their lines memorized well enough that they can function without having the scripts in their hand during rehearsal. For many of us actors, this becomes the day that we become very good at hiding our scripts on our person and thinking we’re stealthy enough to get away with surreptitious looks.

For me, this was always the most harrowing part of any production. I revel in being on stage, in front of an audience, under the lights, in costume and full makeup. But the fear that comes with getting off book is . . . unreal.

And it’s gotten worse over time.

Not counting my mostly non-speaking roles in elementary school, my real show was during senior year of high school.

The author as Pa Allen in “Dark of the Moon”, 2008, Susan Hunter Eiden, Dir.

That first show, I remember being worried about learning lines, like any new actor. But I worked…