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Are You Woefully Unproductive?
Don’t despair: here’s three magic tips to the rescue.
#1. Hire a white witch to brew an early-waking draught.
You’re not going to do it on your own. You know that you’re not going to do it on your own. You’re clearly in need of some kind of magical intervention.
The only thing that’s going to get your ass out of bed at 4:30 in the morning is a magic potion.
Now, you can hire a warlock — it’s probably a lot cheaper — but I don’t trust demonic magic. You know, you start messing with devils, they’re always going to ask for something more from you.
Of course, most White Witches aren’t worth wasting your time with. I recommend calling the White Witch hotline — you’ve got the number, right? — and just keep asking for the next person’s superior, until you get all the way up to Stevie Nicks.
Stevie Nicks will never let you down.
#2 Summon and bind a lesser demon to manage your social media.
Now, I know I just told you not to trust demonic magic. But all you need for this is a simple pentagram, that any six year-old with a box full of chalk can draw.
