On Reading “Year of Yes”

A Twitter Thread Saved for Posterity

So I devoured Year of Yes by @shondarhimes last night, and I have never felt more simultaneously understood and called out on my shit. I mean, I’m my failure self, and Shonda is fucking fantabulous Shonda, but I don’t think I’ve ever resonated so much with somebody’s story.

Everything about being successful at being fat, about Veal Practice, about not wanting to get married, about finding comfort inside your own created worlds. I’ve felt bad about loving the characters from my first book, but the way she loves Cristina Yang? YES! I feel heard.

And then we get to all the stuff about being a Doer instead of a Dreamer, and I feel called out. I’ve never been a Doer, and it’s something I’ve hated about myself. Because I want to be a Doer. But being a Doer costs money. Money for gas, money for shmoozing, money I don’t have.

It’s not as simple as “just get up and do it” or “get a job and save up the money and do it.” Everything I make goes into getting through the month. There is no savings account. There is no rainy day fund. The money I put aside on the 1st gets taken out of savings on the 21st.

When I was a kid, the answer was NO. We couldn’t afford to do anything. There was school, and then there was sitting at home waiting for school. I have grown so used to NO, and it’s bled over into adulthood. I’ve applied to colleges, gotten accepted, only to have to say NO.

Want to go out with friends and drink and do karaoke? NO. Even if I don’t buy drinks, that’s gas I’m gonna need to get to work. Meanwhile you’re working 70 hour weeks and still can’t pay all your bills and your putting on weight like hell.

I need to start saying YES. I need to start working on all of my shit. I’ve known that before, but having @shondarhimes one of my heroes, spell it out in really clear prose made it even more obvious. I just have no idea how to make it happen.

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Zach J. Payne writes YA fiction, poetry, and plays. He’s an assistant at Ninja Writers, helping writers find their voices and their tribe. In the past, he read queries as an intern for Pam Victorio, a literary agent at D4EO. He lives in Reno.

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